When did I become such a coward?
When did the words meek, fragile and cautious become so self descriptive?
I was once fearless. I was brave, and then I became a mother and discovered what the word fierce really meant. I carried and successfully birthed four out of my five children. I’ve been torn open, stretched out and fileted and then within moments given a breathing human (or two) depending on my ability to keep them alive. You don’t get time to heal, you’re tending, giving and nourishing. You figure out a way to pick up your broken body because it’s not about you…I mean…that’s tough…that’s fierce…that’s strength beyond reason…
But somewhere in there, in the midst of giving life and growing these tiny humans you become fearful of your childrens AND your own…
Suddenly I’m painfully aware of how large that grape is my daughter is eating, how far of a fall off the playset it is and how quickly they’re speeding down the path on their bikes…
Suddenly my mind is its own pessimist. Playing out horrific car crashes and pool drownings in such vivid detail I’m surprised I ever let my kids leave the house. What if they?
ya…Or What if I? Then what would become of them?
Suddenly taking risks isn’t skydiving, it’s being an “active jumper” at the trampoline park.
Suddenly mild is still too spicy for my sensitive tummy.
Suddenly I’m not so confident walking outside when the ground MAY have frozen the night before, clutching the railings and reaching for hands as if my body couldn’t possibly recover from a simple slip and fall.
We are supposed to raise our kids to be fearless, take risks, jump into the pool of life in true cannonball form while hiding our own fear of water…
Anyway…
Currently I’m questioning if I should be doing “this”. Pick something…I don’t know what it is for you but for me its Signing up for the adult soccer league. I was finally feeling confident. It’s been 14 years since I’ve played. But I had 3 leg surgeries in the past few months and the swelling is only most of the time now so hell…I feel like a kid again! Of course I’m going to sign up to play with a bunch of 20 somethings and damn right I’m going to show those kids how it’s done…
But then…
After a few “good for you” ‘s I was met with surprised and concerned expressions…
Some started doubting my judgment
Suddenly my knees (which have never been a problem before) are feeling a little…weak.
Suddenly my pessimistic twisted doubt is playing out a hospital stay, surgery, leaning on crutches while trying to care for my family and weeks of physical therapy on the long road to recovery in clear soap opera fashion. (it’s pretty dramatic)
Suddenly I’m not so sure…
When did I become such a coward?
When did I start letting fear sail this ship? And How do I become my own captain again?
I honestly don’t have the answer…but…I do have an email containing my field number team assignment…so I guess that’s a start.
