Crying While Breastfeeding…

It’s 2AM and I’m nursing my almost 5 month old baby girl, Venus. Her twin brother, Maverick is sound asleep after bottle feeding, (he never was very good at nursing) and tears are rolling quietly down my cheeks. 

This isn’t the first time I’ve cried while breastfeeding, although previous breakdowns were for very different reasons. The first few months of breastfeeding were basically tourture. I’ve read stories and accounts of women saying it was so satisfying, some even said pleasurable. I had also heard some say it was painful but after the first 4-6 weeks it gets so much better…not for me. 

There were many feedings I found myself holding my breath (it’s my weird way of dealing with pain) or trying to hold back tears (oftentimes unsuccessfully). It was so very painful EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  I had to pump too (also painful). Maverick was terrible at nursing and I was low on sleep as it was, so dealing with two babies, trying to get them to latch and nurse within a decent amount of time was nearly impossible. I would end up nursing one and hand pumping so I could hurry up and feed the other, but this wasn’t the best set up as Maverick didn’t want to wait. SO, I started pumping almost exclusively so I could get ahead of the schedule. Feed them what I previously pumped while pumping a new supply. I HATED this set up. 

Before being discharged from the hospital I had successfully tandem fed my twins numerous times. I was ON TOP OF THE WORLD. Even if it was painful I was sure the pain would be less and less and they would get better at latching and everything would come together. I know, I know …we make plans and the universe laughs. But this ideal plan I had left me even more deflated every time I had to plug into the wall. 

Being connected to the pump at all times made me feel so disconnected from my babies. I exclusively bottle fed my two older girls and I felt like I had way more bonding time with them during those intimate feedings then I did with my twins. Doing it this way left me feeling robbed of that time. I had to feed them at a distance because of the contraption I was hooked up to. I couldn’t even burp them or lay them on my chest properly. This was true even during feedings where I wasn’t simultaneously pumping. I had so many rounds of mastitis, clogged ducts and various other issues that my breasts were ALWAYS tender or engorged. It was too painful to hold them to my chest.

Putting the pain aside, I did everything I could to get my supply up and get my breasts healthy. I drank the teas, took the supplements, power pumped (and nursed), I massaged, cried, massaged some more…took hot showers, tried crazy positions and even checked myself mentally, but I could NOT make enough to feed them both. I met with multiple lactation consultants and even they confirmed I had done everything right…tried all the tricks. 

Still I had set a goal. I wanted to breastfeed for 4-6 months or at the very least make it to Venus’ surgery so I could nurse/comfort her and give her the extra antibodies for a quick recovery. That surgery came just before she was 4 months old. It went well, I nursed her back to health…literally! What a great experience to be able to offer that to her. I mean…don’t get me wrong…it was hard trying to nurse her while she was attached to so many wires and I ended up leaking through both my shirts (and breast pads) leaving me wet, smelly and out of clothes by the time we were discharged…but, I did it.  

So then started the process of weaning. I was instructed to take it very slow considering how prone I was to infections and clogs. Interestingly enough my supply was already considerably lower anyway. This was such an interesting experience. Physically of course it was a wild ride but mentally…It’s incredible how much guilt we feel. I’m sure much of it is hormonal, but WOW…what an emotional rollercoaster.

Ultimately I know it is the right decision. The physical issues were mounting, it took away from my intimate time with my babies, it took me away from my older girls and family time too. I would often be hooked up to the pump while the rest of my family was snuggled on the couch reading books or eating dinner together. Our lives revolved around “when mom had to pump”. We would have two hours to get out of the house then rush back (or I’d have to find somewhere to hand pump), it was exhausting. 

But now…here I am. Crying because I know this is probably one of the last times I’ll get to nurse my daughter or any baby for that matter. (We are done having kids). Even with all the pain, struggles and frustrations I will say breastfeeding is a magical experience. I will miss looking down and seeing my babies being comforted and fed in this way. It’s something I wish I had done with my older girls but I’m grateful I got to experience it, even if it was for just a short 5(ish) months. It’s one of my proudest accomplishments. 

Whether you’re exclusively breastfeeding, pumping, bottle feeding or any combination of them all, no one experience is the same. Just try to be open minded and open hearted. After all, FED truly is BEST.

To see some of the products and treasures I found to help me through all this click here. (coming soon) 

Share your story with us…was it smooth sailing or a bumpy ride?